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| today sunday august the 2nd...
Every time I go back to LA or to my aunt's house in now La Palma, I go to a church called Blessed, and every time I go there I always am... blessed. haha
the past three times I went I had, in korean "gomeens" or worries or something bothering me, and just by coincidence and/or by God's grace the sermons for those 3 times addressed what I was going through.
But this time I didn't have a major "gomeen," but I was I guess a little dead inside? Small things have tripped me up, making me feel that I had to change who I was to conform to a thought or change because of misinterpretations of my being.
As I was praying I was so self-conscious of raising my hands, even with people around me jumping up and down. Maybe it was because I didn't know anyone there really or because of the 2 or 3 people that were there that I did know. My voice was singing and it felt freeing to be loud with nobody listening except for God, but I couldn't release myself from the invisible eyes I felt watching, imaginary.
I never go up for prayer because this too, but I always feel like I missed out when I leave to go back to SD.
But this time I forced myself to break my self-conscience-ness and go up. To break certain bindings I felt that I could not break by myself.
I went up and soooo many thoughts filled my head. I knew I was a strange face to those around me as much as they were to me, none were hostile but still it the awkward shyness gripped me inside. So many thoughts in my head it took awhile to clear out. "What if people are judging me" (because I dozed a little towards the end of the sermon :[ ) "I haven't been so adamant about praying" "I know it was the pursuit He wanted, I knew but didn't do it" "Lord give me this" " Dang this is the same thing, same cycle" "Why do you wait till the last moment to save me" "I don't want anyone else to answer me, you give me the answer" "What if the Pastor sees darkness in me" "what if my sin and dirt is clear to see" trying to hold back tears that I didn't understand.
E
T
C...
I wanted God to answer me... I approached with such... arrogance
God made me realize, put me in my place, so to say. :] but gently
thoughts started to clear, but I was still thinking too much.
but I was sorry, and said I was... and said that I wished Him to be tangible...
As I was turning to leave from the front to go back to my seat I kind of went past a lady named Mina, an intercessor. A lady, I remembered that went up to the front of the church during the times when pastor Ryan asked if there were words from God that came. I remembered her shouting the words she got at the church, words that encouraged and excited.
I remember questioning it... was it from God? I remember thinking was this for the emotional high. But as the same she was an intercessor, one who prayed to God and was called to communicate and pray over His people, a soldier. Still I must admit I thought that it was for the emotional high...
But I ran into her, as I was turning to leave.
She saw me but didn't recognize me and then she reached out her hand and gave me a look as if I had asked her for prayer and she was obliging saying "okay...alright"... it was awkward... heh...
She was praying but looking side to side as if she wasn't watching people pass by as she stood there holding my hand. Then she started to "look" like she was praying too. Again thoughts FILLED my head. "arghhh so awkward""what if God doesn't say anything to her" "what if it's totally unrelated to what I was praying about" "what if I'm just so spiritually dead that she just does as 'God I hope you blessed her and show her you love her' type of prayer because nothing comes to mind."
it took a lot of concentration to pull myself to blankness to decide other things didn't matter. So many concerns that didn't matter when I came before. Like I was walking in front of the throne and looking side to side talking to other people as God was instructing me...
So I started to pray to.
I think it was maybe kind of like we both didn't expect to much, but I can't speak for her.
She said, (to the best of my memory I'll repeat but it's not word for word) "I see rivers of light flowing through you all over you," [not darkness]
"you have too many thoughts, God wants to you stop thinking so much" [didn't tell that to her]
"you have too many fears you bound by it" [i just met her no way she could have known]
and then she said something I thought was off topic, but it became relevant and then spot on....
she said "you've been belittled from very young age,[huh?] and that is what is making you fear [ah...] I declare war on that bondage! BREAK BREAK BREAK! this has been a generational curse going back to my grandmother to my mother and my mother to me. there is powerful breaking of bonds the bondage of belittling and fear is being broken right now.
you are like an eagle with its wings chopped off, the enemy was trying to steal you destiny away from you, but God is giving it back now, don't get tangled up in fear again.
It's like you want to fly but fear is stopping you, you start to run and fly but stop fly and stop [exactly the way i felt my walk with God is going]
But God is restoring your wings, and once you take off there will be so much joy (and something else I forgot what she said)
this part was the second time I heard this. First time I heard that the enemy was stealing my gifts, things that God blessed me from birth was with a different pastor who doesn't know Mina, his name is Pastor Choi.
He said the enemy had stolen them already.... this was almost a year ago...I felt broken and vulnerable
and today Mina, unknowing of past words from God, was giving me the great news of restoration...
God works in curious ways... humbling ways...
Mina was a person I had questioned. But God used her, not the very anointed pastor that spoke that day, to tell me what I needed to hear. Humbling.
Blessed... has many crazy stories, and this is not very crazy. But God knows sometimes its not grand miracles that need to be seen not Gold dust, healings, rain from the ceiling, or holy laughter... But reminding me that He knows the depth of my heart, understands every nook and cranny, the things kept inside that even I could not put into words. That intimate all-knowing perfect Father, who knows the sins that stain you, the one who know the extent of your sins, but chooses to clean you and love you all the same...
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| It is God's words that first spoke of the end of the world
but man's arrogance that thought it could know what only God knew and predict the day it would come.
I went to go watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince today, and one of the previews was a movie called 2012, starring John Cusack. In the movie, someone predicts the end of the world, to an exact date. John Cusack doubts this, but it basically ends up being the truth.
I can't help but wonder how, first, about how media and Satan can turn something so serious into entertainment fooling America and other nations to believe that it is something of fiction. How clever.
Second, how those who know of the horrible times of which Revelation speaks, tremble at the thought of destruction, persecution, spiritual warfare, and horrors that no can even start to capture of film... as horrible as it is, not be moved into action.
.... I am part of the problem. Silence. Laziness. Fear.
To correct what is being corrupted not only by film, but music, education, television
self-reliance, self-glorification....
Not only about the end times but the entire gospel,
Hypocrites who taint what is meant to be pure and powerful, the relationship, love.
As if agnostics, atheists, Buddhists, Jehovah's Witnesses, the guy who yells skewed gospel, and condemnation to students walking down library walk were not enough.
let's awake from our sleepless slumber :]
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| It's funny... As I think about this now...Right when I decide to change my career path for a while, teaching to nursing, teachers are being laid off left and right and nurses are in high demand. I didn't really think about the economy right now, and although it will still be a couple of years before I become a nurse. This sudden change of heart about teaching, and rethinking the possibility about medicine is new and old at the same time. The series of events, going to Santa Barbara and have that random yet not conversation with my friend who dropped from UCSD to go to nursing school. Randomly buying a book over a year ago, about a lady who followed God's calling, and was lead into nursing, that I chose randomly chose off the self. Having an also another conversation with her mom who said that (although it wasn't the reason why I wanted to change my career choice for a little bit haha) I should become a nurse. And then my usually, anything I say is first automatically rejected then later reconsidered, agreed to my sudden kind of really big decision, and gave me support. Next is nowww my big gomo is an adminstrator at CSULB and my small gomo has been a RN for over like 20 yrs. So I also have randomly good family placed support, and even though I didn't even think about asking them for help because I usually don't talk to them, my mom is stepped in and arranged dinner with them, and we're having dinner tomorrow haha. Now! I'm sitting here thinking about what I need to take home tomorrow... My change of heart, and all of these things falling into place. I guess I'm reporting... God is good. When I had my change of heart after experiencing teaching, and thinking I can pursue later, I asked God for confirmation if this was what He wanted. I think I got my answer All these small little events to big things that are placed in my life from the beginning, I'm just now piecing all these together. Even when I feel like i'm wandering around in the world not really in a particular direction, God was like noppeee you are always in my hands. | | |
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| ... in the last 4hrs I have seen clips of korean stars and commercials and getting consumed with the idea of wanting to be that way fame, beauty, money, fans, meeting the other celebs.... But I broke away from it thinking... what really are the things that we need to treasure now? how nice it would be to have all the glory of this earth, and being admired by people all over the world for being pretty and moderately to really great at one skill or maybe multiple Fame however is not an everlasting flame...nor is beauty or fans or even celebs, they are only famous for so long... of course there are legends, that are remembered past their death, like Elvis but what good does it do you that he is remembered? Does knowing Elvis change your eternity? Does having lots of money change the direction you are headed after you die? Does it change the type of decision or judgment Jesus will give you on the day you see him? what then am I aiming for? Does my repetitive prayers count for eternity? do we realize what time we are living in? in our lifetime we will see Jesus, whether it is in our living days or the day that we die. We will see our maker, we will face Him, we will stand in front of Him and tell of the days that we are living right now, as I type this I will recount to Him who made me that I have. What have I to show Him, to show Him I lived for Him, what else counts in front of Him, we have no worth, but through Christ, but when we account of our lives in lew of what God gave us do we have anything to show? Christ died for you, and what did you do with this gift of new life? of new hope? of great love? I sat for 4hrs... and more throughout my life admiring people who will eventually be judge by my great king, whom I stand before now. What time I have wasted, that was preciously given... I need to redirect myself... | | |
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